I grew this kid in my body. It took the better part of a year feeling like there was an alien taking me over and another year supplying his nourishment. What an incredible privilege. What an amazing human he is! When he was just a few weeks old, I walked past a neighbor’s house across from the elementary school where he would spend many days. This stranger warned that before I knew it, my little baby would be graduating from high school.
That was yesterday.
How did we get here so fast?
When he was little, I heard “The days go slow and the years go fast”. And wow! They went fast. He’s everything he should be at 18, with good friends, a loosely formed plan for his education and career, a passion for justice and treating people with love and understanding. He’s full of joy, loves music, and he’s fun to hang out with. I like him so much and I’m so proud of him.
I keep breaking down in tears because this milestone marks the end of a certain phase of parenting which I’ve found deeply fulfilling. I’ve loved raising this kid. And I’m so excited to see him spread his wings and fly.
My friend’s parents said this to her, speaking of me and my sisters. If they only knew how many spanks it took to break my spirit and get me to comply before I even had words. That wickedness was beaten out of me—the defiance that James Dobson told my parents needed to be crushed. They believed I was born sinful, with a wicked heart. Anything but immediate obedience was punished, usually with a wooden spoon. This was followed by a hug which needed reciprocating, and a small speech about how it’s for my own good and she’s hurting me because she loves me. It turns out that breaking a child’s will at this stage is extremely damaging. I’m only just realizing the extent of this in my 40’s.
By the age of 4, I figured out the safest way to exist in my family was to comply. If I stepped out of line, I would be punished swiftly and harshly. It was not worth it. So for the next 30 years, I did my very best to follow the rules. All of the rules. I was told authority is put there by God. So all authority was to be obeyed, without question or hesitation, unless it was a direct contradiction to the Bible. Nevermind that the Bible contradicts itself. I didn’t question the fact that my parents’ love hurt so much, nor the idea that a loving, all-powerful God would send most of humanity to hell for an eternity of conscious torment. I was shut down inside, just trying to survive. Surviving with a smile, because any emotion other than joy, peace, and gratitude was really frowned upon.
How to destroy a child’s spirit
But it turns out that those years I was getting spanked multiple times a day, between the ages of 1 and 4, are when some really important childhood development is supposed to take place. When I should have been developing a sense of my own autonomy, personal power, self-will, I was instead getting punished for disobeying. When I should have been learning how to develop friendships, compassion, self-acceptance, I was simply trying to follow the rules and keep from getting hurt.
Like my parents, I read Dr. Dobson’s Strong Willed Child when I became a mom. I started out raising my babies the same way. I have such deep regret about this.
